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I don’t know quite how I can possibly feel like this… but today was actually okay.

I feel terrible for saying it, because I feel like I’m betraying my best friend or something… but I didn’t think about food the whole time today. I was distracted by my family and the realisation of how lucky I am and how little I appreciate the things I have.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t think about food most of the time. And today, it was a lot about balancing what I felt okay with and what my family wouldn’t think peculiar. I knew Christmas lunch was coming… so my instinct was to eat nothing except that. But for my family’s sake… I had breakfast. Although I had salad with smoked salmon, which is only about 70 kcal. So that was okay. I felt okay about that. And of course salmon for breakfast seems to be terribly indulgent, doesn’t it? So no suspicions there.

No one ate anything after that until lunch time. Which was quite a test, I can assure you. I have never seen so much food on a plate in all my life. Even my sister & parents were daunted by it. I ate a lot of it, and asked if I had to eat it all. To my surprise, and embarrassment… and horror (all at once, though I don’t think it showed) dad replied “Yes, otherwise your mother will think you’re anorexic.” I literally wanted to cry. But I laughed instead. And ate loads more of it. Stupid food. But it’s okay, because then we all went for a walk, and I made sure I skipped a lot and ran a lot and never stood still for the whole time we were out… in the hope I’d burn many calories. Apparently the average Christmas dinner contains 986 calories. So 1000 basically… That is literally THE most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

But then I will have burnt 1415 kcal according to my counter… just BMR + the miniscule amount of exercise walking provided…

So if we add on the other food I ate… 70 for breakfast, I ate some chocolate which is what… 250? So that’s 320. That makes 1320. So that still leaves me in overall deficit. Thank God for that. Not as much as I would like… but, to still burn some of my own calories on Christmas day? That’s pretty good.

NO. Stop. I shouldn’t be doing this.

I need to make myself feel better about how much I’ve eaten today somehow…

Oh my God. This is like vocalising my thoughts…precisely.

I’m going to find out how I felt about Christmas last year:

Not so good apparently:

“I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. My whole entire life. This is the lowest of the low. There is no hope anymore. Ana, I’ve failed you by letting people find out and by not resisting the temptation of food.
Mum, I’m sorry.
Dad, I’m sorry.
Zoe, I’m sorry.
Alex, I’m sorry.
Rowena, I’m sorry.
I can’t stop myself. I’m not good enough to be perfect and I’m not strong enough to make myself perfect. I’m not good enough to fight it. It would be so much easier to just die. Let me die. There’s nothing anymore.
There’s just nothing. “

I remember why I hate that diary so much when I look at it. My ana book. It’s so beautiful, but it’s so fucked up. It really is. If you want to lower your self-esteem, make a book like that. If you want to convince yourself you’re worthless and hideous and don’t deserve to exist… make a book like that, go on pro-ana sites and become obsessive. You’ll be convinced it’s making you happy, when it’s taking everything from you. You’ll be insane, deluded and lonely. You’ll trust no one except a voice in your head you call Ana, who you’re sure is your best friend. The one who knows best. The one who is hard on you, but for your own good, for your own good, right?

I’m really trying to fight my obsessions… but it’s hard when the first person… and the hardest person I have to fight is me myself. I don’t know why I’m saying that… I fight myself constantly, 24/7.

I’m so sleepy.

I think I’ll sleep.

Maybe this will turn out to be just another bad dream.

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Okay, so I didn’t sleep. Well I did sleep for a while. About two hours actually. And then I woke up and watched Billy Elliot. Oh, the mundane details of my tedious life, hm?

Anyway, it just struck me that this is such an…inspiring time of year. It’s so right for a change in attitude, a new beginning.

No, I don’t mean Christmas. I mean the Winter Solstice.

Okay, so I know it was on the 21st… but that’s when I started to believe, isn’t it? The 22nd was the day I did well – the first day I changed things. And you know why? Because that was the day after the Solstice. This seems so… predictable now. So obvious. The seasons and the wild have such an effect on me, on us… we’re fundamentally linked to the movements of the Earth, the breath of Mother Nature… the rythym of life beats with our hearts.

Don’t you see?

Winter Solstice… the celebration of triumph over darkness. The 21st December 2009 was the darkest day of the year. The day on which the sun shone the least. There were over 12 hours of darkness on that day. And we made it through, like we always do, time keeps trotting along… loyal and predictable. Beautiful, beautiful time. And the day after, we had hope again… I had hope again. I was strong and wonderful and managed to acheive something. You have no idea how significant this is to me. It was written in the cards too. The cards, the stars… it was fate. It’s always fate. I ponder such foolish things, such tiny, trifling issues… such trivia weighs heavy on my mind.

This just goes to show it’s not my fault. It was never my fault. Because fate decides what we’re doing, and one way or another, it all goes according to the grand plan. It doesn’t matter what I choose today, or what I choose tomorrow, or what I chose yesterday… it just doesn’t matter. My decisions won’t influence the great scheme of things… written in destiny. So… I can return to apathy and couple it with ignorance.. because it just doesn’t matter.

How wonderful. =)