Someone just sent me that song. And it made me realise….this isn’t just about me. I’m not as alone as Ana makes out. Other people mind if I don’t eat, even if it is my choice. Other people hurt if I get ill… even if that’s my choice too. And it’s bad of me to keep doing this to people.
But ten weeks. Ten weeks until I see a team of people to take my eating disorder away. I feel like they’re going to remove a limb. So I need to use up all the ED I can… Y’know, like if they were going to take your heart away, wouldn’t you love as much as you could first?
I’m scared. I’m scared they’ll take this away. Or I’m scared I won’t get better and they’ll put me in hospital. This isn’t a game anymore. I’m not in charge anymore. I can’t manipulate people anymore. I can’t win anymore. It’s get better or they’ll force me to. And I don’t want to do either.
Fuck.
I’m so cross about this.
WHY did I let this happen?
