I’m not writing this letter to try and fix you or change the way you are. I’m not writing it as a disclaimer in case someone tries to sue me for “inciting anorexic tendencies” or some nonsense. I’m writing this letter from the heart, to tell you things that you probably won’t believe right now, but that might help you one day.

I used to be just like you, as you can see by reading my blogs. I used to starve myself and fast for days on end. I used to cry and hate myself when I ate. I alienated my friends and family who couldn’t understand why I was “doing this to them”. I lost everything, all to lose weight because I was so convinced that if I could just be perfect, then I would be happy.

I know you came here looking for pro-ana stuff. I used to spend hours and hours online on pro-ana sites and blogs and searching diets and thinspo too. I know you don’t want to read a lecture about recovery. I know you’re probably not interested in that at the moment. But I want you to bookmark this page, or print out this post and keep it. Keep it for as long as it takes. And when you decide that it is time for you to try and get better, read it again. Because I want to tell you something.

Getting better is worth it.

It’s worth the fighting and the exhaustion and the set-backs. It’s worth the tears and the horrible feeling of being too full. It’s worth sitting there for two hours to finish a child-size meal, because the next time, you’ll do it in an hour and forty-five. It gets better. Slowly but surely, it really does get better.

I used to sit in my group therapy sessions and barely listen to the recovered people who told me it was worth it, who told me it would be better if I recovered. I used to ignore my friends and family telling me that there was so much more to life than this. I thought they didn’t understand, that I was doing things a better, superior, special way. I knew I was doing things right. But now I’ve got much better, I realise what they meant. Things really are better.

I know this letter isn’t going to make you recover. But I just want you to know, that you can do it one day. One day you’ll be able to be happy without having to starve yourself. You’ll smile and actually mean it. You’ll have the energy to run around with your friends. You’ll be able to wear what you want, not just clothes that hide your bones, and you won’t have to wear a million layers to keep warm.

Recovery is so possible. And so worth it.

I know you’re probably thinking you wouldn’t mind being able to eat if it didn’t make you fat. I know that’s what you’re afraid of. Well, I’m not going to say I don’t feel fat sometimes. I do. But it’s still early days at the moment. Yes, you’ll have to gain weight, but honestly, it’s not as much as you imagine. You’ll feel fatter, yes, but you’ll feel healthier too. You don’t realise it at the moment, but the cold, the tiredness, the distant feeling, getting worn out after the smallest bit of exercise or movement, the heart palpitations, the constant feeling of being under the weather… those are all feelings you’ve got used to. You hardly notice them anymore. But once you’re a bit better, and weigh a little tiny bit more, you’ll realise that it’s not normal to feel that ill all the time. And it’s much better not to!

Part of me feels a bit bad for writing this, because I know if I were in your shoes right now, reading this, I would be angry at someone trying to tell me to get better. Especially on a pro-ana blog, which I came to looking for proper pro-ana stuff, not things telling me to try and recover. You’re obviously free to look around the rest of my blog, honestly, this is the only thing that’s going to tell you to get better. My blogs document three years of my life, most of which I’ve spent in the grips of anorexia, so there’s plenty of eating disorder stuff here.

I just hope that one day, you’ll remember this post. One day, you’ll look back at it and it’ll feel right, and you’ll feel ready to seek help. You deserve better than anorexia or bulimia. And you can have better. One day, it’ll all be better for you, I promise.

I understand you’re probably hurting at the moment and that you need support. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’m not going to lecture you about recovery, I know you have to decide for yourself to do that. I’ll just listen, be a shoulder to cry on – whatever you want. Anytime, about anything.

You can send me an email: georgie.wood@hotmail.co.uk

I hope things get better for you.

Best wishes & much love,

Georgie

xoxo

I’m quite surprised that the views on this little blog haven’t dropped to nothing at all, given that I haven’t posted anything for a considerable amount of time.

But, I’m not coming back here just yet. I flit from blog to blog, and right now, this isn’t in favour. But if you want to know what’s going on, head over to Finding Transcendence because that’s home sweet home to me right now. Just don’t get mad at what you read there or anything, I’ve given up on censorship and appeasing the masses. =)

I’m alright though. I’m doing really well. I’m getting better and I’m happier…hence I don’t feel the need to post so often. How totally awesome is that? =)

She’s not quite like that in my head. She’s a little girl. She doesn’t always speak with such malice. And, she doesn’t have to tell me what she’s doing… because I know by now. She just tells me off all the time, that’s all. I’ll tell you what she’s really like sometime if you want. I’ll just talk at you, tell you all the things which come in my head. As she speaks to me, I’ll speak her words to you. Then you’ll know what it’s really like.

If you want to.

Probably too scared.

But I realised something, I realise that I don’t really like Ana.

She’s not a very nice person. “person”, who am I kidding? She’s not even real.

She’s bitching at me for writing this. Bitch bitch bitch. Right now, I don’t care. She’ll get me for it later. But right now, I really don’t care.

FUCK YOU Ana. Fuck you.

]]> http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/1234/feed/ 0 findingtranscendence http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/1233/ http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/1233/#comments Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:33:17 +0000 Georgie http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/1233/ ]]>
]]> http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/1233/feed/ 0 Georgie http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/1232/ http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/1232/#comments Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:46:53 +0000 Georgie http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/1232/ ]]>
They say you should never forget the songs that make you cry.

Here’s my weight graph. The solid, straight line is my target weight. The wavey-ish inconsistant one is my actual weight. It’s fluctuating, but all in all going in the right direction.

106lbs. Bmi 16.1.

Calories averaging like 700 a day.

How many days till I’m skinny like Vlada?

Well 15th May is the day. The day I’m perfect. As long as I don’t mess it up. I’m going to mess it up. I always mess everything up. Don’t worry, it’ll be ruined before you know it. I don’t have the capability to lose that much weight. I suck at it far too much for that.

But still, fingers crossed eh?

I’m doing okay. Mentally unstable, physically unstable, emotionally unstable. But at least there’s a constant lack of stability, right?

Shutting down, closing off, doing this.

I’m okay now. =)

Someone just sent me that song. And it made me realise….this isn’t just about me. I’m not as alone as Ana makes out. Other people mind if I don’t eat, even if it is my choice. Other people hurt if I get ill… even if that’s my choice too. And it’s bad of me to keep doing this to people.

But ten weeks. Ten weeks until I see a team of people to take my eating disorder away. I feel like they’re going to remove a limb. So I need to use up all the ED I can… Y’know, like if they were going to take your heart away, wouldn’t you love as much as you could first?

I’m scared. I’m scared they’ll take this away. Or I’m scared I won’t get better and they’ll put me in hospital. This isn’t a game anymore. I’m not in charge anymore. I can’t manipulate people anymore. I can’t win anymore. It’s get better or they’ll force me to. And I don’t want to do either.

Fuck.

I’m so cross about this.

WHY did I let this happen?

People just think you just stop eating but that is not what anorexia is. You don’t just decide from one day to the next to stop eating. It’s very hard. It’s real suffering, and it goes deep.”

Is that what this is? Anorexia. You already knew that though, didn’t you? I think I did deep down too. Perhaps I ought to go and see a doctor at some point after all.

I’ll see what the nurse says tomorrow.

Oh god, the nurse.

Wouldn’t be surprised if I get a panic attack over that. I’m already very anxious about it.

I’m used to lying to people. Making recovery seem easier and better than it is. Making it look like I’m doing better than I am. So the prospect tomorrow of Riz coming too to make sure I’m honest about my book… well… it’s kind of daunting. But I know it has to be done. To get better, I have to stop fighting everyone. Especially when everyone’s trying to help me.

I’m tired of fighting though. Fighting to recover. Tired.

]]> http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/1225/feed/ 0 Georgie http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/19/a-day-in-the-life/ http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/2010/04/19/a-day-in-the-life/#comments Mon, 19 Apr 2010 21:12:17 +0000 Georgie http://destructivecreativity.wordpress.com/?p=1221 ]]>

“For those of you who understand, no explanation is needed. For those of you who don’t, no explanation will ever be enough.”

I don’t know how to describe my world to you. So I thought maybe I’d try and show you. Obviously, you’re not going to approach my websites like I do, and you’re not going to see visiting them like visiting a place of safety. Obviously, you’re not going to think the pictures on there are pictures of beauty, perfection… hope. Obviously, you’re not as messed up as me.

But perhaps, you’ll at least know what I’m talking about. If you know what the sites tell me… you’ll know what to tell me to counteract it. Or at least you can start to think about it. I’ve got more addicted to ana sites than I have done in a while, and I know it’s bad. But I’m surrounded by all this recovery stuff and I need to know Ana’s still there. That the other world still exists. Like, if it doesn’t work out… I can go back there.

I’ve also been trying to find articles and stuff online to help you out, videos… suggestions, leaflets. I don’t know, I honestly don’t know how to show you. I think tomorrow, I’ll do that for you though, I’ll tell you all the thoughts which come into my head, like Emma suggested. To show you what it’s like living with Ana. All you have to do is listen.

Y’know, I’d really appreciate it if you would tell me how you feel. If you’d tell me what this is like for you. Open communications means both ways, right? So I need something back. I don’t care if you think it’ll hurt or offend me. I’m not as volatile as I used to be. I won’t go mental at you and I won’t hate you…. and I won’t push you away.

Right. So. What do I do during my days, in my world?

First things first. I wake up. And Ana wakes up too. About 2 seconds after me. There’s a moment, just a moment… when I smile and I feel happy. And then I realise I can feel all my bones… and Ana shouts at me and the abuse from her begins… “If you think for one moment they’re there enough… for one moment you’re thin enough… I will NEVER forgive you. I’m trying to help you. Why do you have to defy me? Today, we’re having a good day. I don’t understand why you fail me ALL the time. It’s not as if it’s THAT hard. All you have to do is STOP EATING.” &etc.

I get up earlier than everyone else, so I can go and make myself black coffee without anyone noticing… and have my breakfast/make it look like I’ve had breakfast. And then I come upstairs and brush my teeth straight away so I can’t eat anything else. I’ll spend a while wondering what to wear, and wondering how many layers I’ll have to put on to stop people seeing or feeling my ribs and spine too much. At the same time, Ana’s still ranting at me in my head. Especially when I look in the mirror. It’s like my heart sinks. “HOW did you let yourself get like this? Even with my help, you’re still fat…”

Anyway, I’m already by this point thinking about what I’m going to do for food during the day. On the way to school, I’m singing along to my pro-ana songs CD, all of the tracks encourage thinness and not eating as a means of acheiving it. I feel a bit bad about it, because I know it’s counter productive to recovery. I park the car at Waitrose just so I have to walk to school. Exercise. Burns calories. I told you it was because I didn’t want to park near all the buses anymore.

Everything at school zones in and out. Sometimes, it’s like someone’s turned the volume up on you… I feel like you’re all shouting, all being really noisy… invading my mind kind of thing… sometimes, it’s like you’re all on mute… I can see you’re speaking to me, but I just can’t understand what you’re saying. Ana’s still going on at me “Oh Georgie, look at all the food…. look at all the people eating all the food. It’s a good job you’re not eating all the food… because you would eat ALL the food… at least you’ve got this minute right. Bet it won’t last though, you’re too much a failure to do a whole hour… a whole day… a whole week..”

Lunchtime. Now, I have to make the illusion of eating. Or intending to eat. I’d rather go to town by myself. Some days, I just disappear, but I have to get away from everyone… which is hard when I’ve had lessons with friends just before. On Tuesdays, that’s biology. So I have to escape Elli. But she goes home, so it’s not too hard. I know if I walk to town by myself, I’ll just walk around. I’ll look at all the food, but there’s little danger I’ll buy it. Especially with my new “don’t carry money” policy.

But if I go with you, or someone else…. I’ll have to buy food. And you don’t let me just buy apples. So at the start of lunch, Ana goes into begging and blackmail modes, all at once. “Don’t let them see you… get out of here, please… let’s run… run, do that…. run away where they won’t find you.” I’ve explored lots of Buckingham. I usually walk away from the town centre, around the old town… it’s pretty and quiet. And remember, walking burns calories.

The afternoon lessons are the hardest. Luckily, I don’t have too many of them because I have lots of afternoon frees. But in the afternoon my concentration really is wavering. The feelings are irrelevent of whether or not I’ve eaten at 2 o’clock. If I have… Ana’s going “For god’s sake… why did you do that? You ruin EVERYTHING. You’ve let me down again… I hope you stay fat forever…. I don’t have to hope.. you WILL.” If I haven’t, I feel so horrid on a sugar low and an energy low that I’m too zombie-like to be happy anyway.

I feel safe in my car. The walk back to it is normally tiring. I know it’s not far, but I have pretty weak muscles now and I get tired very very easily. It’s not much fun having such a frail body, but I usually don’t care. I hardly notice anymore. I’m used to it. And Ana still tells me it’s too big ALL the time.

I drive the long way round home, so I’ll get home just after mum’s left to pick Zoe up from school. This is the only moment I have the house to myself… the only opportunity I get to weigh myself. It’s never low enough. Never good enough. Always need to do better.

When mum and Zoe get back at about quarter past four, I take the dog out. I get back around five. This means I don’t have to be involved in in front of the telly snacking – tea and cake and the like. Ana’s quieter when I’m in the middle of nowhere, just me and Whizz. No food, no one to hide my rumbling tummy from, no one to hide my bones from… no one to prove anything to. Just me. And I like that. That’s why I spend so much time alone. Even though you don’t see that….

Then I get home, and it’s almost dinnertime. I find something to do… usually come up here and fill in my food for the day on my food diary Then I’ll check all my emails and stuff, my two facebooks… generally posting more on my ana one than my real one. I rarely check my pro-recovery forums now… Rarely. Too moany.

Then I’ll eat dinner. It doesn’t take as long as meals at school or with friends. I don’t know why. I feel safer at home. And I’m still pretending I’m better to my parents. But I do have certain rules. I only drink water, I have to use a small knife and fork, and things have to be arranged on the plate in a very specific way. After tea, I almost always come back up to my room, and curl up in a ball on the floor. Because I feel ill. I feel sad. I feel scared. And Ana is going mental at me.

I’ll then spend hours and hours on my pro-ana sites.
Blue Dragonfly
Pretty Thin
Sticks and Stones
Among others. And facebook of course. I probably look through 400 – 700 pictures of thin girls every day.. it’s one of my favourite past times.I used to aspire to be like normal weight girls. As thin as them. But now I aspire to be like the very thin ones. I can see that deterioration. And it frightens me sometimes… that even supermodels aren’t thin enough.

I get very tired. But I stay awake because I can’t sleep. I sometimes exercise lots. I always look around online for diet ideas and programmes on people who lost weight, and films on eating disorders and stuff… websites about food, websites full of thinspo…. anything. Everything.

And sometimes someone comes online and notices I’m not myself and tries to snap me out of it. Sometimes I don’t want them to. Sometimes I try to sleep early, just to shut Ana up.

I know all of this is long and dull and probably sad and horrid to read. But it’s how my life is. Day in, day out. And it’s not the half of what I think… it’s a general gist of how it works. Everything is about eating, not eating and exercising. Everything’s aboout balancing calories. Everything.

Well, I hope it’s helped you to see… anyway.